Mer Girl
by Lux Aeterna
Summary: Lily tries to commit suicide only to be saved by Sirius, who then tells her something she'd rather not know. Will their friendship be destroyed or is this the beginning of something even more destructive? PG13 for swearing and suicidal themes.
1. The mer girl

Disclaimer : I don't own anything so don't bother suing me as the most you'll get is a packet of wine gums and a smack in the eye.  
I don't own Madonna's Mer Girl cos I'm . . .well . . . a poor student lol.  
MER GIRL  
****************************  
I ran from my house  
That cannot contain me  
From the man I cannot keep  
From my mother who haunts me  
Even though she's gone  
From my daughter that never sleeps  
I ran from the noise and the silence  
From the traffic on the streets  
I ran to the treetops  
I ran to the sky  
Out to the lake  
Into the rain that matted my hair  
And soaked my shoes and skin  
Hid my tears, hid my fears  
I ran to the forest  
I ran to the trees  
I ran and ran, I was looking for me  
*******************************  
Lily's face was streaked with mascara ink black tears and her hair flew behind her like a fire. She was running full out from the castle down to the lake by the Forbidden Forest. She'd ran so fast she felt her heart would burst in her chest, if it already hadn't that is. It felt broken, like a shattered piece of glass. Not a single sane thought flew through her mind. Lily was so angry, so hurt and so broken that real thoughts didn't occur to her. She barely felt the ground beneath her feet as she ran, she was so out of her mind with pain.  
She came to the lake and stood there. Then she gave in a let herself fall in, as if being pulled by a huge invisible hand. She wanted to die.  
Lily felt the gasping cold of the water envelope her and it hit her like a million icy knives all over her body. She couldn't move, she couldn't cry out and slowly she was being dragged down. After a brief horrifying moment of being paralysed with cold she began to struggle towards the surface but her clothes were so heavy that they held her fast in the dark freezing depths. She couldn't see a thing, only the sad glint of the sky through the water. She put her arms out, as if she was trying to grab the light above her.  
Lily let out a silent scream underwater and felt her throat fill with dirty water. She spluttered in a vain attempt to breathe. She could feel her head spinning. She needed air. She was going to die here all alone and no-one would ever find her. The lake was so deep . . . she'd be lost forever. She imagined her family's eyes, pained as they were told that they're youngest daughter was dead. Whilst she'd been running she'd been wishing she was dead, but now that death was moments away she was horribly scared. This was it - this was the end.  
She stopped struggling, exhausted. Her throat constricted painfully from wanting to cry, not that it would've helped. Her short seventeen year old life flashed before her eyes and she felt a numbing sort of freedom. For a moment Lily forgot she was dying as she experianced the euphoria of all the oxygen being drained from her brain.  
Then suddenly a hand plunged into the lake and grabbed her cloak and a large clump of her sopping wet hair. She felt herself being pulled out very slowly from the lake. At least, it seemed slow . . .she was so out of it that she didn't really know what was happening.   
Her eyes, clouded with water and misty with dead tears could make out perfect white skin and bright blue eyes.   
(( So this is what angels look like . . )) she thought in her semi-concious state.  
The angel gave a loud grunt as he hauled her from the lake, then shook her hard and slapped her face.  
''Lily! Lily wake up! Oh for fuck's sake Lily!''  
Lily recognised the voice from somewhere. The angel slapped her again and pushed down on her stomach hard.  
She felt like she was going to be very ill and lurched over to her side and threw up a great deal of water. She spluttered and coughed and gasped for the beautiful cold air that was slowly filling her lungs. She took a deep long breath and then coughed some more.  
The realisation of what had nearly happened hit Lily then and she burst into horrified tears. The angel wrapped his arms around her and slipped her soaking cloak off her. A new dry one was placed gently round her shoulders and then the angel held her.  
She clutched the angel hard and sobbed fretfully into his chest.  
It was then she realised she wasn't holding an angel.  
She looked up and wiped the tears from her misty eyes. The perfect skin and blue eyes belonged to a boy with jet black hair and a strikingly beautiful face. It was Sirius Black.  
''Sirius . . .?''she whispered, more to herself than him.  
His lovely face was solemn and sad and his bright eyes were filled with tears. ''You stupid girl,''he said, his voice terribly sad.  
''Oh Sirius,'' was all Lily could say as she started to cry again.  
He held her very tight and she could feel the warmth of his body seeping into her's. As her arms clutched his back she could feel him cry softly.  
''Oh Lily, you stupid girl,'' he said over and over again.  
He turned her pale face up to meet his and look her straight in the eyes. ''Why did you do that, Lily? You scared me so fucking much . . .I didn't think I'd make it in time . . . I saw you fall in and you were under there so long. I didn't think you were still . . ''  
Sirius couldn't go on anymore and his voice cracked. ''Why?'' he asked again.  
''James hurt me so badly,''she said. ''I saw him with that girl and it hurt so much that I couldn't . . . '' She clucked, trying not to cry again. ''I didn't know what to do. I've never felt that before and it was . . . ''  
Lily started to weep again and Sirius held her to him.  
''I thought I'd lost you forever,''he whispered, stroking her red hair that was glistening with the water. ''I know that feeling. I thought I'd lose you and I didn't know how to react. I was so scared . . . ''  
''Why were you scared?''she said softly. She feared the answer.  
Sirius took a deep shuddering breath and his blue eyes bored into her green ones. ''I love you, Lily,''he said, his voice hoarce from wanting to cry. ''And when I saw how James could hurt you like that it broke my heart because I'd never do that to you, Lily, I swear I wouldn't. I love you too much to hurt you. And when you fell in to that lake I went with you because you mean the world to me. If I lost you . . .I'd have nothing to live for.''  
Lily felt her stomach clench unpleasantly. ''Sirius I - ''  
But he cut her off. ''I know you don't feel the same.'' His voice was laden with heartbreak, the kind of misery that had been borne for years. He looked at his hands. ''But . . .one day you will. I know you will.'' His voice became certain and Lily felt scared.  
''I don't know when you'll love me,'' said Sirius gently. ''But one day Lily, you'll look at me and see me the way I see you.''  
Lily stood shakily to her feet. ''Maybe your wrong,''she said.  
''But I'm not,''said Sirius. ''You know I'm right.''  
''Sirius . . . I . . .we can't,'' she said, looking at the ground.  
''We can,''he said with certainty. ''And one day we will.''  
She opened and closed her mouth several times, trying to find a response. Her mind was rushing through a tornado of thoughts and she felt scared. A horrible part of her felt that Sirius was right. She turned and walked away.  
She could feel his bright ice blue eyes boring into her back as she walked, and she started to cry.  
His name was dancing in her head. He was right he was right he was right.  
Sirius was right. She would love him one day. Not now, but one day.  
Lily was afraid, but inside her a little flame was lit.  
She started to wait for that feeling and secretly she smiled.  
It started to rain. Maybe everyone would think she was caught in the rainstorm.  
In more than one way, she had.  
  
******************************************  
I ran past the churches  
And the crooked old mailbox  
Past the apple orchards  
And the lady that never talks  
Up into the hills  
I ran to the cemetary  
And held my breath  
And thought about your death  
I ran to the lake, up into the hills  
I ran and ran, I'm looking there still  
And I saw the crumbling tombstones  
The forgotten names, I tasted the rain  
I tasted my tears  
I cursed the angels  
I tasted my fears  
And the ground gave way beneath my feet  
And the earth took me in her arms  
Leaves covered my face, ants marched across my back  
The black sky opened up, blinding me  
I ran to the forest, I ran to the trees  
I ran and ran, I was looking for me  
I ran to the lakes and up to the hill  
I ran and ran, I'm looking there still  
And I smelt her burning flesh  
Her rotting bones, her decay  
I ran and ran  
I'm still running today  
****************************************   
Please review and tell me, should I follow this up with what happens next? I might write a sequel but I'm not sure.  
Thanks.  
Lux  
xox 


	2. Strange and beautiful

Disclaimer : I own nothing. So there. Nyah! By the way, thanks to the people who reviewed me as I'm a newbie and it means alot. :-) And I don't own Aqualung's Strange and Beautiful.  
MER GIRL  
Chapter 2 : STRANGE AND BEAUTIFUL  
**************************************  
I've been watching your world from afar  
I've been trying to be where you are  
And I've been secretly falling apart, it seems  
To me you're strange and you're beautiful  
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see  
You turn every head but you don't see me . . .  
I'll put a spell on you  
You fall asleep  
I'll put a spell on you  
And I wake I wake you I'll be the first thing you see  
And you'll realise that you love me  
****************************************  
It had been three long and awkward months since the lake.  
Sirius lay alone in his dorm on a Saturday afternoon, mulling over his thoughts of that day. He'd felt devastated when Lily had walked away. His heart still tore when he thought of it.  
So why did he keep thinking about it?  
He turned on his side and gazed at the sky outside, that was laden with black, angry clouds. He felt a strange affinity with those clouds. He was angry. He'd saved Lily's life and since then she hadn't even looked at him. He gritted his perfect teeth together and scowled into nothingness.  
Since the lake Sirius had been increasingly cold towards James, resenting him for the selfless love that Lily bestowed on him.  
And he didn't even care! James didn't even care that one of the most beautiful girls in the school would sell her soul for him, would do anything to make him happy.  
Lily had been willing to die rather than live a life without James, and he didn't even care. Sirius's mind boggled over how anyone could be so heartless and so stupid. He felt furious and bitterly jealous of him.  
Here he was - Sirius Black, one of the most stunning boys in Hogwarts, as beautiful as the star he was named after.   
But right now he felt as dead and cold as the star that was his namesake. To keep him warm, he hugged the memory of Lily in his arms close to his heart. Everything about her radiated perfection to him.  
She was the one thing he wanted, and the one thing he could never have. And the pain was extraordinary. It was so hideous that it left him reeling with misery. Now he knew how Lily had felt - that sense of complete hopelessness and profound unhappiness.  
Sometimes Sirius found himself envying the dead.  
With a rattling sigh, Sirius heaved himself from his bed like it was some great effort. He sat there for a moment, staring down at his knees. He stood up and walked to the window and stared out of it for a moment, motionless. A spatter of rain hit the window and it started to rain heavily, the drops pounding the ground and making other puddles jump. The weather now reminded him again of the day at the lake and he felt his heart lurch with pain. Everything reminded him of her. Everything. He couldn't escape Lily anywhere. Even if he locked himself in a room with no light he would still see her - she would be dancing in his head, her fiery hair whirling around her perfect white face, her green eyes glinting with that pretty smile.  
Sirius was beginning to hate her for doing this to him.  
And the more he hated her, the more her loved her madly.  
**************************************  
Sometimes the last thing you want comes in first  
Sometimes the first thing you want never comes  
But I know that waiting is all you can do sometimes  
I'll put a spell on you  
You fall asleep  
And I'll put a spell on you  
And when I wake you I'll be the first thing you see  
And you'll realise that you love me  
*************************************  
Remus entered the room and looked at Sirius with what he took to be a concerned expression.  
''Whats the matter?'' the werewolf asked.  
Sirius spoke in a voice of awful brightness. ''Nothing! I'm fine. Do you wanna go hang out somewhere or something? I'm bored out of my mind here!''  
Remus raised an eyebrow. ''Are you sure you're alright, Padfoot?''he said. ''One minute you're looking positively suicidal, the next you're full of beans. What gives?''  
Sirius's eyes betrayed themselves, letting out some of his pain past his well-orchestrated mask.  
''Stop asking questions,''he said, bluntly. ''Do you wanna go find some Slytherins to pick on or something?''  
''Not really,''said Remus, who wasn't the bullying type. His face was serious. ''Come on, Sirius, what's the matter with you? You've been acting weird for weeks now. Everyone's noticed, especially James.''  
(( James can go fuck himself. )) Sirius thought harshly.  
''So?'' he said. ''I'm fine.''  
Remus was getting annoyed. ''You're not fine!'' he nearly shouted. ''You've been moping about the place all depresssed for nearly three months and it's freaking me out. You're never like this, Sirius. You're always in such a good mood. You haven't cracked a real joke for ages - ''  
Sirius lost his temper. ''Oh, and that's all I am is it?? Sirius the bloody joke dispenser! Well fuck that for a game of soldiers! Maybe I don't feel like being a walking talking joke anymore, Remus. Maybe I feel like being depressed and moping about. I mean, you do it all the time!'' Remus looked hurt at this but didn't interrupt.  
Sirius continued his little rant. ''And so what if everyone's noticed that I'm not bouncing around like a rabbit on speed? Like I give a shit! And James can fuck my arse for all I care!'' He threw his arms up in a dismissive, angry gesture. ''Everyone can go fuck themselves, because you know what Remus? I don't care anymore!''  
And with that Sirius stormed out of the dormitory and out of the castle into the grounds.  
  
He walked about for a bit in the rain. He was soaking wet and his long black hair was plastered to his face by the time he found some shelter. He slumped under a tree and watched the rain fall violantly to the ground. He felt miserable as ever, but somehow less so. Maybe that little outburst at Remus had taken some of the weight off his shoulders.   
Of course, he felt bad. Remus had only been trying to help and he'd bitten his head off. He felt rather worried too. The last thing he needed right now was to fall out with his friends - they were all that had been keeping his head above water these past few months. Without them he was a hopeless case. He might as well just give up if he didn't have them, no matter now much he resented James.   
Sirius let his head slump back against the bark of the tree and closed his eyes. And there she was. In his head. She would never leave!!  
Sirius felt angry at himself for letting himself continually think about Lily, but he couldn't help it. He loved her. He felt his eyes grow misty with unwanted tears and he blinked hard to get rid of them. To get rid of this feeling of misery he thought desperately of a time when he'd smacked Snape off his broom during flying lessons in first year with a glove. A flicker of a smile played on his face at the memory. But it wasn't enough. He needed real happiness - the kind only Lily could give him.  
He remembered with the mind of a war veteran, a hazy but ever shining memory of the good times, when he'd make Lily laugh or help her carry her books or tease her. Those were the good old days, it seemed. Before everything went wrong. He let out another sigh and watched the rain again.   
The wet splatter of the rain soothed him somewhat, so he ignored his brain and just listened in complete silence.  
  
***************************  
I'll put a spell on you  
You fall asleep  
And I'll put a spell on you  
And when I wake you  
I'll be the first thing you see  
And you'll realise that you love me  
****************************  
  
Thanks again for the people who reviewed me, otherwise I wouldn't have had the courage to write more chapters. Chapter 3 is on the way!  
  
Lux  
xox 


	3. Just the way I'm feeling

Disclaimer : I own nowt la la la you know the drill. I also don't own Feeder's Just the way I'm feeling  
  
MER GIRL  
Chapter 3 : Just the way I'm feeling . . .  
*********************************  
Love in, love out,  
Find the feeling  
Scream in, Scream out,  
Time for healing  
You feel the moment's gone too soon,  
You're watching clouds come over you.  
  
Torn in two,  
You close your eyes for some place new,  
Torn in two  
*********************************  
Lily was in the library, poring over a book that she didn't really need to read. She felt numb and cold, but then again she'd been feeling that way for a good few months now anyway. It was something she was more or less used to by now. Lily would wake up knowing that the day would be another worthless drag where she would have to fight herself to smile. James and his gilfriend were annoyingly happy and every time she saw them, her heart would crack.  
Not that she was the only person in pain. Lily knew that Sirius was miserable too - she could see it in his face. It was always so easy to tell when Sirius was upset, because his face was usually alive with laughter.  
These days he looked pale and drawn and dead.  
Just like her.  
With what seemed like a great effort, Lily thumped the book shut and walked out of the library. She walked like a zombie down the corridor. There was nothing to do. All her friends had gone to Hogsmeade and Lily had felt far too despondent to go.  
It had started to rain. Lily stopped and peered out the window, watching the raindrops fall. She smiled faintly for no apparent reason. Glancing around the grounds, she spotted a lone figure sitting hunched up against a tree. A boy with blue-black hair and startling white skin. His face was so sad it looked as if it was being pulled towards the ground.  
She recognised the boy at once - it was none other than Sirius.  
A pang of embarressment and pity stung her. It was her fault Sirius was so depressed. Lily was worried about him. He was always so happy, and so young. Now he was tired and old. She'd noticed that since the day at the lake his face had begun to look much older than seventeen.  
Without thinking, Lily headed outside into the rainstorm. She crossed the grounds. The grass was soft and muddy and her cloak was getting wet from trailing behind her in the puddles. She crossed in a way that Sirius wouldn't see her.  
Then again, by the looks of him he wouldn't have noticed if you'd thrown a rock at his head. He looked lost in his own little world.  
Biting her lip with anxiousness, she stood to the side of him.  
''Room for one more under here?'' she said.  
  
***********************************  
And I feel it's going down,  
Ten feet below the ground,  
I'm waiting for your healing hand,  
One touch could bring me round  
I feel we're going down,  
Ten feet below the ground,  
It's just the way I'm feeling.  
  
Glow in, burn out,  
Lost the feeling  
Bruise in, you bruise out,  
Nurse the bleeding  
  
Torn in two,  
Each time we bruise  
  
**********************************  
Sirius turned his head very slowly and assessed Lily cooly. ''If you want,''he said. There was no tone to his voice and it didn't sound right.  
Lily sat down on the ground underneath the tree, which was much drier than she'd expected.  
They sat there in silence for a while, just watching the weather. Lily felt awkward.  
''How are you?''she asked Sirius in a shaky voice.  
He didn't look at her, but gave a slight snort. ''Fucking fantastic,''he said sarcastically.  
Lily felt her face flush with shame. He was so unhappy, but at least he wasn't making an effort to hide it. Sirius being fake would've been unbearable.  
''Oh,''she said. ''I'm sorry.''  
Sirius looked at her then, with those penetrating ice eyes. ''Sorry for what exactly?''he said.  
Lily didn't quite know how to take this. She dropped her gaze. Was he being angry or sincere? She didn't know, so chose not to answer.  
Sirius continued to glare at her. ''Well?''he said.  
''Well what?''answered Lily.  
''What exactly are you saying sorry for?''  
Lily thought about it. ''I guess I'm sorry that you're so unhappy,''she replied. ''I didn't mean it to turn out like this.''  
Sirius made a derisive noise. ''That's what people always say when they realise they've done something wrong.''  
''Sirius - ''  
''No, I haven't finished,''said Sirius, sharply. ''Do you have any idea how shit I've been feeling ever since I saved your sorry ass?''  
Lily said nothing, and continued to stare at the floor. She'd never heard Sirius talk like this before and it felt bizarre.  
''I've felt so miserable that it isn't even funny,''Sirius continued. ''I see the way you look at James, even now with his new girlfriend. They're so happy and you can see it and it breaks your heart, I can tell. And then I see you looking like that and it breaks my heart then too, because I know for a fact that I could make you happy, but you're too wrapped up in your own little world to see anyone else but James and yourself. You haven't even spoken to me for three months. We could've talked about all this, rather than waiting till now when I'm so fucking pissed off and you're stuck in a rut.'' He took a deep breath. ''We could've helped eachother through all this bullshit, Lily.''  
  
There was no noise, save that of the rain. Sirius looked at Lily intensely. She could feel his eyes on her, urging her to react in some way.  
''I'm sorry,''she said again.  
Sirius stood up and walked in a circle for a moment, dragging his fingers through his long hair. He looked more stressed than angry now. He turned away from Lily.  
''Say something more than sorry, Lily, please,''he said desperately. ''Get angry, call me a wanker, cry, just talk. Say something. I'm dying here!'' He sighed at her sullen, pale face. ''Just say how you feel.''  
  
Lily exploded with anger all of a sudden.  
''Ok, you want to know how I feel, Sirius?''she hissed. ''I feel like the most unlucky person in the world! I've lost the only boy in the world that I loved and every single fucking day I see him parading that slut around the school. She isn't even that pretty! I don't see what she has that I don't, other than James and it's driving me insane! I can't eat, I can't sleep, thinking how much of my time I wasted with James when I could've been out having fun like all my friends.'' Her voice broke with the unfairness of it all. ''I was with James for three years, the time when everyone else was having fun rather than being stuck in a long-term relationship. I wish I'd never met him, Sirius . . . but he made me so happy . . .''  
She started to cry and Sirius sat down by her and held her. Her violent sobs wracked her body, that had become increasingly thin over the past few months. Sirius could feel how frail she was. These emotions were too much for her. They were slowly destroying her. He felt his eyes sting with tears for her.  
Sirius stroked her red hair and gave a deep sigh. ''I know it hurts, Lily,''he said softly. ''But . . . maybe we could be miserable together?'' He gave a little laugh to show it was a joke.  
Lily gave a sniff and smiled.  
''Just as friends,''Sirius said.   
Lily nodded.  
''So you'll stop avoiding me?''asked Sirius with a grin.  
''Sure,''Lily said. ''We'll see what happens.''  
  
Sirius felt elated. ''We'll just wait and see,''he said. ''But Lily, I swear, I'll make you happy soon enough. I have to, because I can't stand seeing you so depressed.''  
Lily let Sirius hold her for a while. She felt safe and protected in his arms. She felt that she could actually trust Sirius and inwardly she smiled. She hadn't felt the emotion of being truly cared about for a while and it was a nice change. She moved a little closer to him and relished in the warmth of his body.  
Sirius smiled. He would get Lily. He would get exactly what he wanted. She would love him, and then everything would be ok. He held her a little tighter, and the two of them talked away the afternoon, not about James or how miserable they were feeling, but about things that made them laugh.  
Sirius watched Lily's face light up with laughter whenever he told a joke and felt himself glow. It was already happening. He was making her happy.   
  
The rain stopped and a bright shaft of sunlight lit up the grounds.  
''The weather's getting better,''said Lily.  
''Most things seem to be,''said Sirius.  
***************************  
Two different views,  
As words confuse and break  
I can't get out,  
There's no way out of here,  
I can't get clear.  
  
Love in, love out,  
Find the feeling.  
  
And I feel it's going down,  
Ten feet below the ground,  
I'm waiting for your healing hand,  
One touch could bring me round  
I feel we're going down,  
Ten feet below the ground,  
It's just the way I'm feeling.  
Yeah yeah, it's just the way I'm feeling.  
Yeah yeah, it's just the way I'm feeling.  
******************************  
****************  
Thanks again for the reviews. By the way, sorry about making it only signed reviews. I hadn't realised I'd done it, but I've sorted it so anyone can review now. I find accepting only signed reviews rather elitist.  
Next chapter on the way soon!  
  
Luv Lux  
xox 


	4. Peering deep into the mirror

Disclaimer : I don't own anything at all, apart from maybe this computer and an old bike in my shed, which you're free to have.  
  
MER GIRL  
Chapter 4 : Peering deep into the mirror . . .  
  
Sirius was in a far better mood, his friends noticed. He wasn't moping about the castle feeling sorry for himself much anymore. Obviously he had his odd despondent moment when he would just wander off by himself and be seen mooching about the castle, lost in thought.  
He hadn't apoligised to Remus, but had been distinctly nicer after his little outburst.  
But that wasn't enough for Lupin - sure, he forgave Sirius for throwing a tantrum at him, but what he really wanted to know was why Sirius had acted that way. It was so out of charecter for him.  
But Lupin was no fool - he had noticed the way Sirius looked whenever Lily Evans walked past him. His eyes filled with something that made them glow so bright that he radiated happiness. A stupid smile would creep onto his face whenever Sirius spoke to her and he would blush a great deal and run his hands nervously through his jet hair. Lupin also noticed that Sirius went out of his way to make Lily laugh, and if Lily wasn't in stictches then Sirius would be a worried mood for the rest of the day.  
  
Lupin knew why Lily was depressed. She was still pining over James. They'd broken up three months ago and since then she'd glided round the castle like a little ghost - pale and sad. He felt sorry for her.  
But ever since the day Sirius had lost his temper, she'd been much better. This might have been because Sirius was always around making her laugh, but there was something else.  
She was beginning to look at Sirius in a different way. Her eyes didn't glow like Sirius's did when they laid eyes on eachother, but there was a certain fondness in her face whenever she spoke to him. When she was around Sirius, her pretty face was always smiling and the frown lines that seemed to be always on her face dissapeared and made her look seventeen again.  
  
Lupin smiled to himself. Sirius had a knack for making people smile. The only trouble was that there were few people that made him smile in return. He was always the one cracking the jokes and pulling pranks, but other people's jokes raised little more than a half smile.   
The only people who really made him crease with laughter were James and Lupin and whenever Gildaroy Lockhard made an arse of himself Sirius was always there, nearly on the floor laughing.  
Other than that . . . well, Remus couldn't really think of anyone.  
  
Apart from Lily.  
She'd always been a part of the Marauders life, considering that she'd gone out with James for three years and she'd always been friends with them.  
But these days, she was like a storm invading calm waters. James still talked about her, and it was annoying his girlfriend. Peter still thought she was stunning and that annoyed James, Remus sat by her in Charms and couldn't help but worry at her thin appearance and miserable face and Sirius was around her more than ever.  
Lily and Sirius had always been good friends, but Lupin couldn't help noticing that new way Sirius was looking at her.  
Then one day it hit him.  
(( He's in love with her . . )) he thought. Lupin blinked for a while, then turned around to see Sirius once again talking to Lily. He'd just said something about Snape and Lily was helpless with laughter.   
Remus watched as he took in the expression on Sirius's face. The black haired boy was relishing the smile on Lily's lips and standing very close to her. His eyes were darting all over her face and that stupid smile was there again.  
  
Remus sat back and pondered. (( James isn't going to be too happy about this, )) he thought. Lupin toyed with the idea of telling James, but decided against it. Just because Sirius appeared to be in love with Lily didn't mean that she felt the same way. And even then, he might be wrong. They might just be close friends.  
Lupin took another quick look. Sirius was teasing her, pulling her hair then blaming it on someone else.  
''Lily, I swear that wasn't me,''Sirius was saying. He pointed at Peter. ''It was him by there.'' Peter looked at him strangely.   
''Yeah, I'm talking to you, Captain Faggot!''Sirius said, mock angry. ''Pulling Lily's hair! Who do you think you are?? I mean, god Peter! That's just wrong!''  
Lily was creased with laughter at Sirius's blatent attempt to pin the blame on someone else.  
''Apoligise you wench!'' Sirius cried at Peter. He turned to Lily. ''Kids these days,''he joked.  
Lily continued to laugh. ''I saw you do it, Sirius,''she grinned.  
Sirius pretended to looked hurt. ''Well - Lily, I can't believe you'd accuse me of something like that!'' He turned his back to her and pretended to pout. ''I don't think we can be friends anymore.'' He gave his hair an affected flick then turned back around and grinned.  
  
Remus shook his head and smiled fondly. Yep, Sirius was flirting fit to bust. Lupin saw James eyeing Sirius suspiciously.   
The Gryffindor Seeker had a very odd look on his face. It seemed that he thought that even though Lily and him were history, that she should still be hopelessly in love with him, pining - rather than having fun.  
(( He still sees her as his property, )) Lupin thought.  
The fair haired boy shrugged to himself. Maybe he'd better leave this one rest for a while.  
Which wasn't to say that he still wasn't interested . . .   
''Sirius? Can I have a word?'' Remus asked.  
''No, but you can have a cake.'' Sirius took it upon himself to throw a small iced bun at Lupin.  
Lupin sighed and picked bits of icing off his cloak. ''No, seriously,''he said. ''Can I ask you something?''  
''I don't know. Can you?''  
''Sirius!''  
The black haired boy gave a sigh. ''Fine, fine. God, I was only messing about.'' He faced Lupin. ''What's up, Mooney?''  
''It's about you and Lily . . .''Lupin said. He trailed off.  
A closed expression appeared on Sirius's face. ''What about me and Lily?''he said. There was a thin line of steel in his tone.  
Lupin swallowed. Sirius looked rather menacing right now. It was quite gloomy in the dorm, as it was late evening and Sirius looked almost wolflike. His bright eyes glared out of the darkness and his near elbow length black hair framed his angular face, giving him a dark, other-wordly appearance.  
''It's just that . . . well . . .you and Lily have been getting rather close lately and . . .''  
''And what?''said Sirius, his tone ice.  
''I was just wondering if, you know, anything was going on between you two.'' Lupin avoided Sirius's searching eyes.  
  
Lupin gave a strange sort of smile.  
  
Sirius raised a single eyebrow. ''No,''he said. ''There isn't. Why?''  
''It's just that I've been noticing the way you look at her and you always seem to be flirting with her. It's just that . . I don't think James would be too happy if he found out that anything was going on, you know?''  
Sirius jerked his head back quickly and walked to the window. ''Nothing's going on, Mooney,'' he said, his tone calmer now. ''Besides, would it really matter what James thought? They aren't even together anymore.''  
''Yeah, I know,''said Remus. ''But James still sort of sees Lily as his property, if you get my drift.''  
Sirius snorted with disdain. ''Lily isn't anyone's property, least of all James's. So they were shagging before they broke up? Big deal! So were a million other people.'' He turned towards Lupin and glared at him with those strange eyes of his. ''Lily isn't anyone's property,''he repeated.  
The tone in Sirius's voice made it clear that the conversation was very much over.  
Lupin didn't bring it up again that night. It was a touchy subject, and he decided that he needed a lot more to go on than just a hunch before he confronted Sirius about it again.  
*************  
Well, that's that. I'll have the 5th chapter up pretty soon I suppose, as soon as I think of something else to happen. Any suggestions are very welcome as I'm writing this at a furious pace off the top of my head. Thanks!  
Luv Lux  
xox 


	5. I don't wanna miss a thing

Disclaimer : I own big fat nowt. I also don't own the Aerosmith's song Don't Wanna Miss A Thing. And thank you to Jeswin, for giving me afew ideas. :-)  
  
MER GIRL  
Chapter 5 : I don't wanna miss a thing  
  
***************************  
I could stay awake  
Just to hear to breathing  
Watch you smile while you are sleeping  
While you are far away and dreaming  
I could spend my life   
In this sweet surrender  
I could stay lost in this moment forever  
Every moment I spend with you   
Is a moment I treasure  
*************************  
Sirius lay in his bed feeling confused. Why he had reacted like that when Remus had asked him if he felt anything for Lily?  
He turned on his side and looked at the sleeping figure of James, who was snoring gently. He scowled at himself.  
  
He knew why he had denied his feelings to Remus. Because he still held respect for James and still cared about him deeply, as his best friend.  
True, he disliked the part of James that had hurt Lily, but he was also still best friends with the other side of him - the side that made him laugh, the side that listened to him when he was down, the side that would put up with all of Sirius's terrible jokes.  
Sirius remembered fondly all the times James and himself had played pranks on the Slytherins, or dropped a stinkbomb during assembly in the Great Hall or started a food fight. He giggled quietly at the memory of what a mess the Great Hall had been after one of the more memorable food fights.  
  
He remembered then how James had always been there to help out in a fight, or prevent a fight, and that whenever he'd go off for a Quidditch match he'd always turn around and say ''Wish me luck, Padfoot, and don't throw anything at me in mid-air. I know you enjoy it but - ''  
(( Throw it at Snape instead . . )) Sirius finished James's sentance in his head and smiled.  
  
He'd lost count of the amounts of times he'd thrown something at Snape during a Quidditch match and how hard James would be laughing. Once he'd laughed so hard that he'd nearly fallen off his broom.  
  
But Lily . . .   
  
Sirius had felt so happy these past few weeks, knowing that he and Lily were friends again, but before long James would catch on just like Remus had and then sparks would fly.  
What made Sirius the happiest though, was the fact that sparks were flying with Lily and himself as well. There was a nearly unbearable sexual tension going on between the two of them. He could see it in her eyes whenever she looked at him. Even when they brushed skin it was like an electric shock. She seemed a lot happier these days too. She visibly spent less time staring whenever James went past her. Every now and then she would steal a quick glance at him but other than that she tried not to notice him. It hurt Sirius a little when she did that, but he was getting used to it. She loved James, she always would, but that was no excuse to give up trying to get her to fall in love with him.  
  
A single shaft of moonlight fell over his bed, right in his eyes. He couldn't sleep. His mind was working too hard and the light was stopping him sleeping anyway, so he swung his legs out of bed and got dressed. Sirius walked towards the door and opened it.  
It gave a creak and Peter stirred.  
''Where you going, Paddy?''he asked sleepily.  
''Nowhere,''Sirius answered. ''Go back to sleep, yeah?''  
''Alright then,''Peter answered and within seconds he was sleeping again. Sirius gave a slightly amused smile.  
He opened the door the rest of the way and slipped noiselessly out, like a shadow.  
  
The corridors of the school were eerily quiet. Sirius felt slightly uneasy walking around the school late at night in the dark, but it wasn't like he hadn't done it before. He headed out into the grounds, his wrapping his cloak tightly around him. It wasn't that cold really, but Sirius felt like he needed some extra warmth anyway.  
The grounds of the school weren't quite as silent as the school. Far away he could hear the Giant Squid thrashing around happily in the lake. Sirius decided to head over in that direction.  
When he came to the lake he stood there a while just gazing lazily into the black water. A shiver ran up his spine. To think that Lily could have been lost in there forever chilled him to the bone. To imagine her body sinking slowly to the bottom of the lake, never to be found was a horribly frightening thought.  
(( If I had been a minute late I would never have seen her again . . .)) he thought.  
Sirius imagined what it would have been like if he'd been too late - the faces of her family, the confusion in wondering where Lily had gone, the look on his own when when he'd realised that it was his fault she'd drowned - that she'd died all alone and helpless, being dragged down to the fathomless pit of the lake. Tears filled his eyes at his own imagined sorrow.  
  
He stiffened.  
(( This is stupid, )) he thought. (( I'm crying over something that hasn't even happened and other people's grief. What the hell am I gaining from this?? ))  
He sat down by the edge of the lake, cross-legged like a child. He stared at the water, watching the reflection of the moon move and glisten on the surface. It was quite relaxing just to watch the water. Sirius had never done this before, mainly because he tended to throw people into the lake, rather than sit and stare at it.  
  
Sirius heard a noise behind him and his body tensed. He closed his eyes and prayed that it wasn't something out of the Forbidden Forest. Slowly, very slowly, he reached into his robe and pulled out his wand. Then, on the biggest wave of adreniline, he shot up, spun around and pointed his wand straight at whatever was behind him.  
  
''Arrrggggggggghhhhhhhhh!'' he half roared, half screamed like a girl. He had tried to sound threatening but it had failed somewhat.  
  
Standing infront of him was Lily, surprise and amusement written all over her face.  
  
''Sirius, what are you doing?''she asked, hands on hips.  
  
Sirius went to say something clever but it didn't come out. ''I'm not sure,''he said.  
Lily smiled fondly at him and Sirius felt himself melt under her emerald gaze.  
''What are you doing out here by the lake?''she asked. ''It's a little early to go swimming isn't it?''  
''What time's it?''Sirius asked.  
''About three in the morning,''said Lily, smiling.  
Sirius laughed. ''Fair enough,''he said. He looked at Lilly oddly. ''What are you doing out here?''  
Lily shrugged. ''I was wandering about the school and then I noticed you lurking around the grounds so I came to see if Ii could lurk with you.'' She grinned.  
''Feel free,''said Sirius. ''The more the . . .um . . .lurkier, I guess.''  
Lily laughed. She sat down by the lake and Sirius joined her. They stared across the whole lake together, not really talking. The silence was comfortable.  
  
Lily gave a deep, shuddering sigh. Sirius looked at her. ''What's the matter?'' he asked.  
''I was just wondering . . .'' Lily trailed off.  
Sirius didn't say anything for a while and looked away. He touched the water with a finger and watched the ripples move.  
''Wondering about what?''he finally said.  
''It doesn't matter,''said Lily.  
''Yes it does,''said Sirius. ''Words always mean something.'' He paused. ''Unless Snape opens up his mouth.'' He giggled at his own joke and Lily grinned appreciatively. ''So, whats the problem?''he continued. ''Why won't you tell me whats on your mind?''  
Lily shifted uncomfortably under his gaze and he saw it.  
''Come on, Lil . . .''he said gently. ''We are friends aren't we?''  
  
The word ''friends'' felt like poison in his mouth.  
  
Lily looked away towards the opposite side of the lake and took a deep breath. She didn't look back at Sirius as she spoke - his eyes were far too searching. They saw more than was shown to them, you could say.  
''When . . .'' She tried to speak again. ''When did you fall in love with me, Sirius?''  
  
Sirius was quite taken aback at this question. He hadn't expected her to be quite so frank. He stared at his hands for a moment, thinking hard about his answer.  
''The truth is Lily,''he said. ''I don't really know. I can't pin-point an exact moment when I thought 'Ooh crikey, I'm in love, better start acting weird'.''  
He continued to stare at his hands, but out of the corner of his eye he could see Lily watching him and it made him blush and feel quite uncomfortable.  
''I guess . . .''he continued. ''Part of me always has. Even when you were with James I think I was. I remember always getting this mad urge to strangle him whenever I saw him with you.'' He gave a little laugh. ''I think when I faced up to the fact that I loved you was when . . .'' He struggled to remember. ''It was when Narcissa made you cry by saying you were ugly or something stupid like that. You looked so sad and all I wanted to do was just hold you, make you feel better. I gave you a big hug and told you that you were beautiful and that Narcisaa had a face like a badger's arse and then you smiled and I just knew. Your eyes after you've been crying, Lily . . . I can't explain. But that's when. That's when I faced up to my feelings.''  
Lily was still watching him in silence.  
''Does that answer your question?''said Sirius with a teasing smile.  
Lily nodded. ''Yes,''she said. ''I think it does.''  
  
It was nearly four in the morning. Sirius and Lily had sat in relative silence since Lily's question.  
Sirius turned to Lily and gave her a nudge. She looked at him.  
''Can I ask you a question?''he said.  
Inside Lily squirmed. ''Ok,''she said.  
''What was James like when you two broke up?''  
Lily's eyes flashed with pain at the memory. ''It wasn't nasty,''she said. ''He wasn't cruel about it. He just said 'I think we need a break to sort ourselves out'. He said that he needed to live his life while he could and that it was silly to be tied down with someone at our age.'' She sighed. ''He's right, you know. We are too young. I know he cheated, Sirius, but . . .I don't blame him. I don't hate him for it. He was just being . . . well . . . young, I suppose. Which we are. We're young, Sirius. We should be out having fun rather than worrying about anniversarys and all that crap.''  
''It's a good point,''said Sirius. ''Do you miss him?''  
''Yeah, I miss him,''said Lily, and her tone was painful. ''Whoever said 'it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all' deserves to get a kick in the face.''  
''I think it was Gilderoy Lockhart that said that,''joked Sirius. ''Fancy joining me in pushing him down a flight of stairs tommorrow?''  
Lily laughed. ''It might help,''she said.  
''I think we'd better head back inside now,''said Sirius. ''Unless you enjoy falling asleep during classes and getting detentions.''  
Lily yawned. ''Yeah, you're right.''  
  
The two of them headed back to Gryffindor tower together and stopped in the common room.  
''Sirius,''said Lily. ''Promise to be nice to James. He hasn't done anything extraordinary by cheating. Loads of guys do it. Loads of girls do as well. I don't hate him, you know. I want to be his friend.''  
Sirius inwardly groaned. ''I think that's what he wants as well,'' he said. ''He wants you two to be mates.''  
Lily smiled. ''Tell him I want to be friends, yeah?''  
Sirius nodded. ''Sure,''he said.  
  
Lily and Sirius looked at eachother for a moment. The moment fell and swayed and became longer than just a moment.  
Lily realised that Sirius was standing very close to her and in the silence of the common room she could hear his heart pounding.  
She could feel the blood rushing in her ears.  
Desire held the moment very still.  
Sirius gave a shaky breath and leaned in to kiss her.  
  
Lily let him. It was a very gentle kiss, almost experimental. He looped his arms round her waist and pulled her closer, kissing her harder. Lily responded to the kiss, entwining her fingers in his jet black hair. He made a small animal noise and pulled her even closer.   
Then Lily realised what she was doing - she was kissing Sirius Black.   
  
A part of her sincerely wanted to stay but was overpowered by the part of her that wanted to run.  
  
She pushed Sirius away from her and looked at him, her expression shocked.  
Sirius looked confused. ''What's the matter?''he said.  
''We can't do this,''she said as she turned to walk hurridly away.  
''What?'' Sirius was dumbfounded. ''But Lily . . .you can't pretend that you didn't want that kiss! I know you wanted it. Stop lying to yourself for a minute!''  
''We can't,''Lily repeated.  
''Why not??'' Sirius cried.  
''Because . . . .'' Lily searched for an answer.  
''Because I'm not James.'' Sirius's tone was dark and hurt.  
''It's not that,''said Lily.  
''Don't lie to me aswell as yourself!'' Sirius exploded. ''You wanted me. I know you did, Lily. I could feel it. And so could you. Why are you still insisting on denying yourself happiness? Why do you have to keep torturing yourself like this?? Why are you doing this to me?''  
  
Three large tears fell from Lily's eyes and she looked Sirius right in the face. ''Because I'm scared!''she cried.  
Then she turned and ran to her dormitory, leaving Sirius standing in the common room on his own, the taste of the kiss still lingering on his lips. His eyes stung with tears of rage and self-pity.  
He kicked one of the tables, knocking it over and slumped into a chair, his head in his hands trying to make sense of everything that had just happened.  
''Scared . . .?''he whispered to himself, confusion in his pale eyes.  
  
****************************  
I don't wanna to close my eyes  
I don't wanna fall asleep  
Cos I miss you babe  
And I don't wanna miss a thing  
Cos even when I dream of you  
The sweetest dream will never do  
But I still miss you babe  
And I don't wanna miss a thing  
Don't wanna close my eyes  
I don't wanna fall alsleep  
I don't wanna miss a thing  
***************************  
  
New chapter up very soon indeed. Thankies for reviews. :-)  
Luv Lux  
xox 


	6. I don't ever want to feel like I did tha...

Disclaimer : I own nothing by JK Rowling and I don't own the Red Hot Chili Peppers song Under the Bridge. damn damn damn  
MER GIRL  
Chapter 6 : I don't ever want to feel like I did that day . . .  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Sometimes I feel  
Like I don't have a partner  
Sometimes I feel  
Like my only friend  
Is the city I live in  
The city of angels  
Lonely as I am  
Together we cry  
  
I drive on her streets  
'Cause she's my companion  
I walk through her hills  
'Cause she knows who I am  
She sees my good deeds  
And she kisses me windy  
I never worry  
Now that is a lie  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Sirius walked around the next day in a haze. He felt betrayed and hurt and deeply confused. Everytime he saw Lily she looked at him in the same way, but there was guilt in her eyes. She'd played him and it hurt a great deal.  
Last night she'd kissed him like she'd wanted it just as much as he did and then she'd pushed him away, saying she was scared.  
What the hell did that even mean?? Scared?? She had nothing to be scared about - Sirius loved her, she obviously felt something for him and they'd be good together. So why was she scared?  
Sirius figured that she was just stalling - waiting to see if James would take her back. It made his insides burn with jealously.  
For hours he would slump back in his chair during lessons, just staring into nothing, a scowl on his face. He could see Lily staring at him with guilt in her eyes, and whenever he caught her eye, he would glare to the best of his abilility.  
  
((She deserves it, )) Sirius thought bitterly. (( No-one treats Sirius Black like crap and gets away with it. ))  
  
He scowled ahead of him, face like thunder. The feeling in his chest was unbearable, even if his face said ''cross me and I'll kick your head in.'' It seemed that he didn't even have the energy to smack someone, let alone kick they're head in. Just out of annoyance he gave Peter a weak girly punch in the arm.  
  
''Ow ow ow,'' Peter whimpered.  
Sirius payed no attention to him. He slumped forward, his hand resting on his cheek lazily. Out of the corner of his eye he could still see Lily looking at him with a worried expression on her face. Sirius thought about frowning but in retrospect found that he just couldn't be bothered.  
  
He'd had enough. He'd had enough of chasing Lily with a pointed stick, of waiting for her to realise that he was the one that been there to catch her when no-one else would. He had been waiting for her to look at him in that light for years, and the second that she actually kissed him she'd decided that she was 'scared'.  
  
''Pffff, what bullshit,'' Sirius muttered.  
  
''What was that, Mr Black?''  
  
Sirius looked up to see that his teacher was glaring at him with malice. He inwardly groaned.  
''Well, seeing as you feel that way about this subject maybe you should leave the class and think about whether you actually want to continue Astronamy,'' she said.  
  
Sirius had had enough. He grabbed his bag and stood up. ''I think you're right,''he said bitterly. ''Maybe I should just go and wander the school by myself and do some serious bloody thinking.'' He shot a dark look at Lily, then stormed out of the room, his face like thunder.  
He stamped down the corridors of the school until he reached the grounds and headed out there, still raging. He was starting to feel a bit foolish for throwing a tantrum now, but he felt it was faintly justified by the fact that he'd had to be in the same room as the girl who drove him mad in every way possible. He loved her, he hated her, he wanted her, he never wanted to see her again. Sirius felt confused to say the least.  
He came to a bench and threw his bag down on the ground. Sirius slumped roughly on the bench, then chose to lie down and watch the clouds, to see if they'd calm him down a little.  
  
They didn't.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
I don't ever want to feel  
Like I did that day  
Take me to the place I love  
Take me all the way  
  
It's hard to believe  
That there's nobody out there  
It's hard to believe  
That I'm all alone  
At least I have her love  
The city she loves me  
Lonely as I am  
Together we cry  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Sirius lay on that bench for more than an hour. His legs had gone numb by then and he was in no mood to go back inside Hogwarts anyway. After about an hour and a half he dropped off to sleep.  
  
He was woken about ten minutes later by someone tapping his shoulder. He didn't even bother to open his eyes.  
  
''Look,'' said Sirius impatiently. ''If that's James, Remus or Peter I'll talk to you later. If it's one of my little groupies then go away - can't you see I'm sleeping?? And if it's anyone, and I mean anyone, from Slytherin, the second I have any energy in my body I'll pound you into the ground so fast it won't even be funny. Now piss off, whoever the hell you are.''  
  
A moment passed and the person was still there, Sirius could tell.   
  
''I'm not saying it again,''he said, still refusing to open his eyes. ''Bugger off, like, now if possible.''  
  
''Sirius we need to talk.''  
  
Sirius's eyes shot open and he sat up fast as lightning. ''Oh shit, um, Lily- I uhh . . .I didn't realise it was . . .''  
He trailed off, remembering that he was supposed to be angry at her.  
  
He coughed, trying to regain his composure. ''What do you want?'' he said bluntly.  
  
Lily avoided his penetrating blue eyes for a moment and cleared her throat nervously. Sirius felt tectchy being around her, like he'd snap and start shouting any minute.  
  
''About last night - '' Lily started but Sirius cut her off sharply.  
  
''Ooooh no - don't you dare start with all that 'I'm scared' crap again!'' Sirius spat viciously. ''I know what's wrong with your Lily - you're still hoping that James'll take you back! I'm not good enough for you, am I?'' He gave a derisive snort. ''Well, let's get one thing straight - your not the only girl in this school, and there are plenty of others that want to do me. I don't need to wait around for any old girl - I can take my pick. I'm Sirius-Bleeding-Black and I don't get my heart broken my anybody - especially not you.''  
  
Lily looked at him, her face a blank page for a moment. Then she dropped her gaze towards the floor and rubbed her elbow as as nervous gesture.  
  
''That wasn't what I was going to say,''she said softly, still staring at the floor.  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes. ''Yeah, sure,''he said sarcastically. ''I really believe that, Lily. So what's the real reason? You're too chaste and pure for me? Well let me tell you this - ''  
  
Lily cut him off. ''Oh shut the hell up, Sirius!'' she shouted, stamping her foot.  
  
Sirius blinked in surprise.  
  
''You didn't even give me a chance to say what I wanted!'' Lily yelled. ''Stop thinking that your word is law for a second!'' Her face was flushed red with anger. ''What I was going to say, before you interrupted me twice, was that maybe I was scared for a second, but I'm not anymore. I want this Sirius, but seeing as your far to important I'll just leave, shall I?''  
  
Lily turned on her heel and left, leaving Sirius to take in what she'd just said. When it finally sank in, Sirius gave a shocked expression and jumped up from the bench.   
''Lily come back!''he shouted.  
  
But it was too late, she'd left. Sirius stood there for a moment staring at the school. Maybe he could catch up with her. His legs wanted to run but somehow they couldn't move. He was still rather shell-shocked. A full minute went past until Sirius found that he could actually move again.  
''Oh bloody hell, work damn you!'' he hissed at his legs.  
  
And then he started running.  
  
After a great deal of running round Hogwarts aimlessly looking for Lily, he spotted a flash of red hair in a crowd and darted in that direction, pushing people out of the way to get to her.  
  
''Scuse me, pardon me, sorry, scuse me,'' Sirius babbled, running through the crowd like a battering ram.  
  
''Lily!'' he bellowed over the ever moving crowd. ''Lily! Wait a second!'' Lily didn't stop or even glance over her shoulder, but kept walking.  
  
Sirius swore under his breath and ran faster. People were staring to get annoyed and were shoving him back. A rather big 6th year gave Sirius such a shove that he careered into a wall. He felt his shoulder smash against the surface of the wall and slumped to the floor. Sirius gave a groan of pain and clutched his shoulder.  
A gang of Sirius's groupies appeared as if from nowhere and clustered around him.  
  
''Oh Sirius, are you ok?'' they all asked at once.  
  
Sirius pulled himself up despite the horrible pain in his shoulder.  
''Oh bloody move,''he snapped at them. He lurched down the corridor as fast as he could go. His shoulder was in pieces, he could tell, but he didn't care. He had to catch up with Lily. The pain was unbearable and tears were filling his eyes. Sirius thought briefly that Lily was the only girl he'd put up with pain for, in more than one way. Inwardly he smiled grimly at the thought.  
  
Sirius saw Lily turn to go up a stairwell and followed her, still clutching his battered shoulder.  
''Lily!'' Sirius yelled, his voice cracking with pain. ''Fucking hell, Lily, stop! Listen to me!''  
  
Lily seemed to hear him and turned around. Her face seemed indescribably angry. She glared at Sirius with an expression of extreme dislike. Sirius felt himself shrink a little under her powerful emerald eyes but continued forward nonetheless.  
  
''Lily . .''he began.  
  
She put up a slender white hand to stop him. ''I tried to talk to you, Sirius, but you didn't want to know,''she said, her voice cold and cruel as ice. ''Now there's nothing more to do but say goodbye. I'm sorry.''  
She didn't sound sorry at all, but there was a note of some emotion in her voice. Sirius couldn't quite tell what emotion it was.  
  
Sirius felt his heart break like a piece of glass in his chest. ''Lily please listen,''he said desperately. ''I'm sorry I was angry at you earlier but I was hurt. I don't hate you and I'm so so sorry that I wouldn't let you talk.'' Lily turned around to walk away.  
Sirius rushed forward but his shoulder stabbed him with pain and he gave a cry and went down.  
  
Lily turned around and looked hard at him.  
''What's wrong with your shoulder?'' she said, peering at Sirius oddly.  
''I hit it against a wall chasing after you,'' Sirius said, his face creased with pain.  
Lily's expression changed slightly and she walked towards him and knelt down next to him. She touched his shoulder lightly. Sirius flinched. ''I'm sorry,''she said. She took out her wand and muttered a spell over him. Most of the pain left Sirius, and he peered at his arm.  
''What did you do to it?''he asked.  
''Just a simple anesthetic spell,''said Lily softly.  
  
Sirius looked into her eyes for a moment and marveled at the colour. Pale bright green. With his one good arm he smoothed her face and pulled her in to kiss him. Lily stopped for a moment, then smiled broadly and kissed him happily.  
Sirius felt his heart would explode. Far from being broken, his heart was dancing inside him. He pulled her face a little deeper and felt her hands run through his hair. It was hard not to laugh with joy for him.  
  
Everything in the world stopped at that moment for them both. There was no sound, no colour, so vision - just eachother. And for afew blissfull moments they were happy. Lily forgot about James, Sirius forgot about his arm and everything else that had been hurting them dissapeared for that moment, which swayed and moved and became more of a lifetime than afew meagre seconds.  
  
They stopped and looked at eachother, both surprised and breathless. Then they laughed.  
''How on earth could you run away from that?'' Sirius joked.  
Lily smiled and put her head against his. She peered deep into his bright blue eyes that were shining with a very different light than the one that had been there a few moments ago. She smiled at him. Sirius stroked her hair.  
  
''I suppose we should get you to the medical wing and get that shoulder of yours sorted out,''said Lily.  
Sirius nodded mutely and Lily helped him to his feet. They beamed at eachother, faces flushed.  
Sirius let his head loll onto her shoulder as they walked, even though he was taller than her. Lily slipped her hand into his good one and they walked together in silence to the ward.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
I don't ever want to feel  
Like I did that day  
Take me to the place I love  
Take me all that way  
  
Under the bridge downtown  
Is where I drew some blood  
Under the bridge downtown  
I could not get enough  
Under the bridge downtown  
Forgot about my love  
Under the bridge downtown  
I gave my life away  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Once again, thanks very much for all the reviews. Ooh they make me feel so happpyyyy. The next chapter should be up rather soon but I'm revising for exams at the moment so it might be afew days.  
Luv Lux  
xox 


	7. Nothing sweeter than forbidden fruit

Disclaimer : I don't own Harry Potter . . . *sigh*  
MER GIRL  
Chapter 7 : Nothing sweeter than forbidden fruit  
Sirius shifted uncomfortably in the medical room. His shoulder was getting painful again, as Lily's spell was wearing off.   
''This is a nasty knock,'' said the matron. ''How did you hurt yourself this time, Mr Black?''  
Sirius grinned bashfully.  
  
''I . . . erm . . .ran into a wall, miss,''he said, grinning sheepishly.   
''Well, that's a new one,''said the matron, getting her wand out. ''I was expecting you to say that you'd been hit with a broomstick again, or fallen off one of the greenhouses like you did a few months back.''  
  
Lily giggled. She remembered the time when James had dared Sirius to run across all the greenhouses with his trousers on his head. Consequently, Sirius hadn't been able to see where he was going and had slipped and fallen rather spectacularly off the roof of greenhouse 4, breaking two bones in his left leg.  
  
It had been hilarious. They'd taken the piss out of Sirius for weeks on end.  
  
''How on earth do you get yourself into these messes, Sirius?'' tutted the matron. ''I've never met a student who manages to get a different injury every other week, each one more bizarre than the last.''  
  
Sirius laughed. ''My mother says I'm special,''he said.  
  
''I'm sure the guidance counseller does too, Sirius,''said Lily.  
  
''He says I'm special,'' joked Sirius. ''I'm a good boy.'' He pulled a retarded face and Lily laughed.  
  
The matron gave Sirius's leg a little slap. ''Keep still, Sirius,''she cried. She tapped Sirius's shoulder and muttered a spell. Sirius felt some slight discomfort but in a second the pain was gone, and he was left with nothing more than a tingly shoulder.  
  
''There we are, all done,'' said the matron. She gave Sirius's shoulder an experimental prod.  
  
''Look at this!'' Sirius cried in mock horror. ''The matron's trying to feel me up! Lily! Help! Harassment!''  
  
Lily laughed and even the matron had to giggle. ''Off you go, Mr Black,''said said. ''And try not to damage yourself too much.''  
  
''Oh, wouldn't you just love that, miss?''said Sirius, winking at her. ''Just to see me without my shirt again?''  
  
The matron laughed. ''Get lost, Sirius,''she said.  
  
Sirius shrugged and left the ward. Lily and Sirius walked down the corridor together in silence. He kept turning and looking at her every so often. Lily noticed and turned to look back at him.  
''What do you keep staring at?'' Lily said.  
Sirius smiled, and it was a painfully beautiful smile. He ran a hand through her red hair that was shining like a fiery halo round her head against the sun. ''I'm looking at you,''he said softly.   
Lily's eyes caught the sunlight, and glowed a brilliant green. Sirius's eyes went misty and lazy looking at her. He unconciously sighed.  
''You're . . . beautiful,''he said in a wistful voice.  
Lily blushed. ''I'm not,''she said, loving the attention really. Sirius made her feel as if she was really beautiful. James hadn't told her she was beautiful for months before they broke up. It was as if she could really believe the words that came out of Sirius's mouth, maybe because his eyes were so expressive that they always showed what he was really feeling.  
Those clear blue eyes were hazy with a feeling that wasn't hard to read. He was infatuated. It was clear as day.  
She smiled at Sirius and he lent in and kissed her on the forehead with unbearable tenderness. She felt her stomach contract, filling with butterflies. Sirius leant his forehead against hers and closed his eyes, a small smile playing on his face.  
  
Lily felt that she could have stayed that way for a long time. She closed her eyes and just focused on Sirius's breathing and the way it felt being this close to him. It was a nice feeling and in a sense felt like forbidden fruit.  
  
They say there's nothing sweeter than forbidden fruit.  
Sirius was lying on the bed in his room, a lazy, sated smile on his lips. His eyes were half closed. This day had started out badly, but had turned into a blessing. Lily was his, and now there was no chance of her running off being scared.  
He hummed a song and James looked over at him, an odd look on his face.  
  
''What's the matter with you?'' he said. ''This morning you looked ready to kill, now you're happy as pie.''  
  
Sirius opened his eyes and turned on his side to look at James . ''Nothing really,'' lied Sirius.  
  
James raised an eyebrow and smiled knowingly. ''C'mon Padfoot,'' he grinned. ''Tell me. What's gotten you in such a good mood all of a sudden?''  
  
''Nothing,''insisted Sirius.  
  
James laughed. ''You always were a crap liar, Sirius,''he said. He shrugged. ''Oh well, it doesn't matter. I'll worm it out of you in the end.''  
  
Sirius laughed. ''Keep dreaming, James,''he said. ''You always were a crap interrogator. Don't go joining the Spanish Inquisition if you can help it.''  
James threw a pillow at Sirius, hitting him on the side of the head. Sirius laughed and pretended to die a painful death.  
  
''That'll fucking teach you,'' grinned James, now throwing various pieces of clothing at Sirius.  
  
''Oh James, stop,''said Sirius, in a monotone. ''I'm getting so hurt here. Ow. Ow. Oh please. Not another sock, they're so damn painful.''  
  
Sirius cracked up laughing and James joined in. They lay slumped on they're beds, laughing fit to bust and half-heartedly throwing things at eachother.  
Sirius smiled, but then felt an unwelcome surge of guilt. He didn't know why. Maybe it was because it was like old times when they'd been kids right now and it would be wreaked the moment James found out about him and Lily.  
Sirius decided that his best option was to keep it from James for as long as he could.  
It would be hard. He desperately wanted to tell the world how happy he felt, but he knew that if he did then his friendship would be destroyed. It was a hard feeling.  
  
Sirius lay back down and turned to face away from James, worry written all over his perfect face. He frowned at the wall.  
But then he thought about Lily and that stupid smile crept onto his face again. He grinned into his pillow so James wouldn't notice.  
  
He was just so happy - for the first time in ages it was a chore not to smile. It felt like there was a bomb in his chest that was slowly exploding. It felt nice, albeit a little scary.  
  
Suddenly Sirius envisioned James's face when he would find out about Lily - there would be the judgement of a thousand fiery swords in his dark eyes, rage like fire. Sirius went cold. He was beginning to doubt if it was a good idea to be with Lily.   
But even thinking of her was a whisper of a thrill. She drove him mad with love, he'd never felt this way about anyone before.  
She wasn't like anyone he'd ever met - she was passionate and intelligent and witty and beautiful. Sirius felt he could drown in her eyes, be swallowed up by the emerald light. She was sad and hurt and frightened to be in love, like a puppy that had been kicked. Sirius decided that he would never hurt her, nor let her hurt him.   
  
The last thing either of them needed was more hurt. All the needed was a little kindness, and Sirius was willing to make her happy.  
But the question was, was she willing to make him happy too?  
  
Sirius frowned inwardly. Why was it that everytime he thought about how he would make Lily happy, he ended up seeing her breaking his heart?   
  
(( Maybe your seeing the future . . . )) said a nasty, carping voice inside his head.  
  
(( Shut up . )) Sirius mentally told the voice.  
  
The voice stopped then, but Sirius was left unnerved. He bit his lip with worry.  
  
''Fuck,'' he whispered to himself. ''What've I gotten myself into?''  
  
Luckily James was asleep now, and hadn't heard a thing.  
  
Sirius hoped that it would stay that way.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Hey there. Sorry this chapter was a bit short, next one'll be longer I promise. It's just that I'm rather busy at the moment so I can't write as much as I'd like. :-(  
Thanks for the reviews everyone!   
Luv Lux  
xox 


	8. For the first time I feel love

Disclaimer : I don't own Harry Potter yadda yadda yadda or U2's The First Time blah blah blah.  
MER GIRL  
Chapter 8 : For the first time I feel love  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
I have a lover  
A lover like no other  
She got soul, soul, sweet soul  
And she teach me how to sing  
  
Shows me colours when there's none to see  
Gives me hope when I can't believe that  
For the first time I feel love  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Sirius woke up that morning happy. He got dressed and had his breakfast in the Great Hall then headed for lessons with a smile on his face. Most people noticed his good mood but didn't dwell on it. They were just pleased that Sirius was back to being his old happy-go-lucky self.  
  
There was only one person who dwelled on Sirius's sudden change of face.  
  
Remus Lupin.  
  
He walked beside Sirius on the way to Divination, peering at him through watchful eyes. There was a new glint in Sirius's bright blue eyes today. Obviously there was that look in his eyes that said that he was happy, but there was a new glint there too.  
Something Remus couldn't put his finger on.  
  
''What're you so happy about?'' said Lupin.  
  
Sirius turned and looked at his friend with a confused expression. ''Can't a guy be happy? What's with all the suspicion, cowboy?''  
  
Remus blinked. ''Did you just call me cowboy?''he said.  
  
''No.''   
  
Sirius giggled to himself and kept walking, humming a song to himself.  
  
Remus smiled to himself. He felt bad now for feeling suspicious. Lupin figured that it was better to see Sirius happy, rather than the way he'd been over the past few months. It was just that Sirius was usually so open. He wouldn't have been unhappy for that long without a good reason, and now that he was happy again he wasn't talking about it. It was like he was pretending that nothing had happened and that was what made Remus suspicious. Plus, Sirius hadn't even given the reason for why he was on top of the world all of a sudden.  
  
Remus decided that he wouldn't ask about it for a while, and would just leave Sirius to dance around in his gleeful stupor.  
  
(( I wonder if it something to do with that thing about Lily? )) Remus wondered.  
Remus watched Sirius closely for the rest of the day. What he couldn't help noticing was the way Sirius and Lily were acting around eachother. It was more than flirty. They were all over eachother. It was weird.  
  
Remus nudged James during Potions.  
  
''James,''he hissed. James turned around.  
  
''What?''he said.  
  
''Look at Sirius and Lily,''he said, pointing. ''What's going on there?''  
  
James looked and within moments he was scowling. ''Sirius had better not be thinking about messing around with Lily,''he said.  
  
''But you two aren't together anymore,''pointed out Remus.   
  
''So?'' snapped James. ''Maybe I was thinking about asking her back out!''  
  
''Are you?'' blinked Remus. ''It's been quite a while . . . ''  
  
''I don't want Lily with another guy,''said James stubbornly. He continued to glare at Sirius. ''Especially not with one of my best mates.''  
  
''I don't see the problem, personally,''said Remus, turning back to his potion. ''I mean, what's wrong with Lily being happy, James? She's been depressed enough. I would've thought you'd have been happy to see her getting along with another boy.''  
  
''Well, I'm not!'' cried James. ''I still like her.'' He blushed. ''I didn't realise how much I missed her until a few weeks ago.''  
  
''You treated her pretty badly, you know,''said Remus, darkly.  
  
''I know, I know,''sighed James. ''I just . . .I just wish that we could give it another go.''  
  
Remus scoffed at him. ''I don't believe you,''he said. ''I think you're only saying this because she's flirting like crazy with Sirius and now you're jealous because you thought that no-one but you would ever have the guts to try it on with Lily Evans.''  
  
James went red with anger. ''Oh, fuck you,''he said. ''Don't you start all your pretentious pyscho babble with me, Lupin. I am sorry for what I did to Lily, and I do want to make it up to her, really I do.''  
  
''You were a complete arse, mind you, James,''said Remus, not in the slightest attempt trying to see James's side of the story. He remembered how miserable Lily had looked those few months, how thin she'd gone, the cuts on her arms. He'd seen it all, whilst James had played away with his new girlfriend. Even though James was one of his best friends, Remus knew that James had been in the wrong.  
  
''I know I was,''said James dully. He looked over at Lily again, who in the middle of a play fight with Sirius.   
  
''I do not like this at all,''James said.  
  
''Yeah well, tough bloody luck,''said Remus. ''If Sirius and Lily are together I say bloody good for them. They've both been so miserable lately - they deserve some happiness.''  
  
James said nothing more and helped with the potion in silence.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
I have a brother  
When I'm a brother in need  
I spend my whole time running  
He spends his running after me  
When I feel myself going down  
I just call and he comes around  
But for the first time  
I feel love  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Sirius and Lily walked round the grounds of Hogwarts that evening hand in hand. The weather was nice, cool but not cold, and the sunset iluminated the sky in every kind of pink, orange, purple and red. It was strikingly beautiful.  
  
Sirius took a deep breath of fragrant air as they sat down underneath a tree next to the lake. The water picked up on the colours in the sky and was like a beautiful mirror. They both stared at it.  
  
''It's lovely,''said Lily, more to herself than Sirius.  
  
''Hm,''said Sirius lazily. The movements of the water hypotised him.  
  
''If I were going to kill myself, only now would I do it,''said Lily. ''When the water looks so perfect.''  
  
Sirius sat up and looked at her. ''That's a marcarbe thing to say,''he said.  
  
''Wouldn't you want to die in beauty if you had a chance?''said Lily. ''Rather than dying somewhere ugly?''  
  
''I don't think about death anymore,''said Sirius. ''I figure that life is too precious these days.'' He smiled at her. She smiled back. It was a pleasent moment. She leaned into him and he wrapped an arm protectively around her.  
  
''Besides,''he said. ''Even when the water looks like this, it still isn't beautiful enough to have you die in it.''  
  
It was a strange compliment. It was a strange conversation, but neither of them paid it any mind. The sky was now a mix of purple and orange. Sirius and Lily sat in silence for a while, just watching it.  
  
''I'm glad you saved me from the lake, Sirius,''said Lily.  
  
Sirius held her a little tighter and said nothing. He felt rather lightheaded being with her like this. Her hair was glowing a different shade of red right now. Her green eyes reflected the colours in the sunset, making her look other-worldly. He gave a deep sigh of contentment.  
  
She kissed him.  
  
They stayed that way for a long time, and they were happy. It was a nice change from being despondent like they had the past three months.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
James was watching from the dorm window and he was fucking furious. Peter watched him nervously.  
  
''Seriously James, you should just let this one go,''he said.  
  
''And why the fuck should I??''snapped James viciously at Peter. ''That's my so-called best mate out there with his tongue down my girl's throat!''  
  
''James,''said Remus from the other side of the room. ''Lily isn't your girl anymore.''  
  
James's eyes were filled with anger. ''Oh screw you, Lupin,''he hissed. ''Lily is my girl and she bloody well knows it!''  
  
''Oh, of course! How silly of me!'' said Remus, sarcastically. ''That must be why she's snogging Sirius! Because she's still your girl! My oh my, what an ingenious plan!'' He gave James a funny look. ''Tell me, James, how does your mind function to come up with something as stupid as that?''  
  
James scowled and turned back to the window where Lily and Sirius were still kissing. He felt his blood boil.  
  
''You just don't do that, though!''he protested. ''You just don't jump down the throat of your best friend's ex! It's just . .wrong!''  
  
Remus didn't reply. Neither did Peter.  
  
''I'm going to go out there and smack that smarmy bastard in his fucking face!'' yelled James, beside himself with jealousy.  
  
''Don't you even think about it,''said Remus, dangerously. ''Sirius isn't doing anything wrong. He likes Lily and Lily likes him, obviously. Just leave it.''  
  
James paced around the room like an angry tiger in a cage. He looked pained, and Remus felt rather sorry for him. It was clear that he did still want to be with Lily, but now that it was too late, he was angry at himself for not trying sooner, and angry at Sirius for taking what James saw as his.  
''Seriously James,''said Remus, cooly. ''Just leave it. Don't do anything you'll regret.''  
James shot him a dirty look. Remus returned it with a cool glare and James sat down. Those wolf eyes were something else. They had some kind of dangerous, creepy power about them. James didn't want to mess with Remus when he was looking at him like that.  
  
''Fine,''he said. ''I won't do anything I'll regret.''  
  
James lay down on his bed, facing away from Remus. He smiled grimly to himself. (( Which is conviniant, )) he thought. (( Because I'm not going to regret smacking Sirius in the face. ))  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Sirius and Lily walked back to the school. It was late and they weren't supposed to be out at this time. Lily smiled to herself. Not that it had stopped them before. Sirius's hand held her's tightly and she felt safe and happy with him.  
  
She'd been with him such a short time, but it felt longer. A day and a half felt longer. She looked into his eyes momentarily and saw a weight of emotions. His eyes hid nothing. Sirius was passionate and brave and strong and kind. He'd saved her, in more ways than one. She pulled him into a wall and kissed him hard. Sirius made a shocked little animal noise in the back of his throat but he didn't seem to mind. He held her tight against him, pulling her closer. He needed her. He ached for her.   
  
Lily looked at him hard for a moment. ''Thank you,''she said softly. She let Sirius hug her hard. She enjoyed the strength and warmth of his tall, lean body. For the first time in a long time she felt safe and protected. She took in the feeling.  
  
Sirius kissed her forehead. She felt so little in his arms, like a doll. He wanted to keep her safe. He never wanted her to feel pain ever again.  
  
''I'm going to look after you,''whispered Sirius. ''No matter what happens.''  
  
Lily smiled. ''I hope so.''  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
My father is a rich man  
He wears a rich man's cloak  
Gave me the keys to his kingdom  
Gave me a cup of gold  
He said ''I have many mansions  
And there are many rooms to see''  
But I left by the back door  
And I threw away the key . . .  
And for the first time  
For the first time  
For the first time  
I feel love  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Well that's chapter 8. The next one should be rather good as James might do something about Sirius. I don't know yet though. Either way, tension's mounting! Lol. I don't know when the explosion from James is really gonna come, but it will, and by crikey, it won't be pretty.  
Once again, thanks very much for all the reviews. :-) They make me happpyyyyy  
  
Luv Lux  
xox 


	9. Denial revisited

wellDisclaimer : I don't own Harry Potter, or much else for that matter.  
MER GIRL  
Chapter 9 : Denial, Revisited  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
So here we go  
Having the same old fight again  
There she goes  
Same old game that never ends If I could say  
The right words  
I know I could make you stay  
If I could say  
The right words  
Things would work out all right   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Sirius headed back to his room in a ridiculously good mood. For all he knew, he could've been walking on air. The feeling he was having was so refreshing. It felt like he'd been trapped underwater for an age, and only now was he allowed to breathe fresh air again.  
  
He opened the door to his dorm and walked inside. ''Alright?'' he said.  
Remus turned his head and smiled. ''Alright, Padfoot?''he said.  
''Yeah,'' said Sirius. He turned his head to look at James, who hadn't said a word.  
  
''James asleep, is he?'' Sirius said to Remus. Lupin shrugged.  
  
Sirius walked over to James and gave him a little nudge. ''Alright mate?''he said. ''I've just got in.''  
  
''Yeah, I noticed,''said James, his eyes still shut up.  
  
Sirius blinked. ''Why didn't you say hello to me then?''  
  
''Because I'm trying to sleep, in case you didn't notice,''said James, coldly. James wished that Siruis would just piss off right now. He wanted to hit him, but not right now. He had decided to wait a while, then let loose on Sirius. But there was no harm in being cold to him whilst he was at it.  
  
''Oh,'' said Sirius. He felt rather hurt and went to his bed and lay down. ''Is he in a bad mood with me?'' Sirius mouthed noiselessly to Lupin. Remus nodded.  
  
Sirius didn't say anthing else. He had a nasty suspicion to why James was acting this way. He swallowed nervously and frowned to himself, worry etched like a painting on his beautiful face. he started to think what James might do when his anger and jealousy reached it's peak. Obviously he'd found out about Lily, and horribly fast. Sirius bit his lip. He felt conflicted. James was his best friend, and he didn't want to get him angry. But Lily meant so much to him it hurt.   
  
He remembered the phrase, ''Friends are forever'' all of a sudden and felt sick to his stomach. Friends were meant to be the ones you had when you had nobody else. What happened when he and Lily would break up? At the rate he was going he'd have no friends by then.  
  
He stiffened, angry at everyone all of a sudden. He loved Lily, and if James was a real friend he'd be happy for him.  
  
No, that wasn't fair.  
  
He knew that if one of his friends went off with a girl he'd been in love with for years he wouldn't be exactly over the moon about it.  
  
But James had given her up!  
  
But James wanted her back.  
  
But James was his friend!  
  
But James had hurt Lily.  
  
Siruis was more than confused. He gave a little groan to himself and tried to go to sleep.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
And if you go  
I won't believe  
That it's forever   
  
And you can go  
But I'll never leave  
Cause it's not over   
  
Replay last night  
Talking it out don't make it right  
I know she's tried, but my whole world  
Is her and all we've got now   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
It didn't work. Sirius slung his legs over the side of his bed at four in the morning, his head overflowing with arguments from both sides. He pulled on his trousers and headed outside for a walk.  
  
Within moments he heard footsteps behind him and spun round, startled.  
  
It was none other than James, who had a very distasteful look on his face.  
  
''Alright?''said Sirius, his tone rather nervous.  
  
''Not really,''said James, his voice dark.  
  
Sirius stood there uncomftably with his hands in his pockets. He rocked back and forth on his heels, at a loss at what to say. James was staring at him so intently that it was unnerving.  
  
''So . . .'' Sirius attempted to start the conversation but drifted off.  
  
James was still glaring. Sirius coughed nervously. ''What?''he said.  
  
James's face was a picture of dislike. ''You bloody know what, Black,''he hissed.  
  
Sirius blanched. He knew what was coming. ''I guess you know about me and Lily then . . .''said Sirius.  
  
James looked as if he was going to spontaneously combust with anger. ''Your fucking right I know about you and Lily, Sirius!''he blazed. ''As if you didn't make it bloody obvious when you had your tongue down her throat earlier tonight! What the fuck do you think you're doing??''  
  
Sirius was starting to feel angry himself. ''Who the hell do you think you're talking to?''he said.  
  
James wasn't listening. ''She was my girlfriend first, Sirius, and one of the rules of friendship is that you never, ever go out with your best friend's ex!'' He ranted in this vein for a good while, and with every moment Sirius could feel himself getting more and more worked up, until the point came where he could stand it no more.  
  
''Oh, James, why don't you just shut the fuck up and listen to yourself!! You're the one standing there ranting at me for doing nothing wrong! In case you don't remember, you're the one that dumped Lily, and then buggered off with some other girl, who might I add, you finished with two days ago. And now all of a sudden you turn up with your fiery sword of righteousnes, bellowing about how she's your girl and you saw her first and all this pretentious bullshit! Fucking listen to yourself, James!''  
  
James stopped, shocked. He blinked a couple of times. There was rage and misery in Sirius's blue eyes, and a sense of judgement there that James felt he couldn't rival. He hung his head.  
''Sirius, you don't understand,''he began.  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes. ''Don't start, James,''he said, exasperatedly. ''Just . . . don't, ok?''  
  
James wasn't listening. ''You don't understand,''he said again. ''I miss her Sirius, I really do and when I saw you with her earlier . . .I don't know. I just felt like I wanted to kill something, you know?''  
  
Sirius turned to walk away. ''I don't care right now, James,''he said.  
  
James's voice became suddenly loud. ''Don't you DARE walk away from me,''he hissed.   
  
Sirius kept walking. Right now, he didn't give a flying fuck about how anyone felt. He just needed to think, clear his head. He didn't know what was right or what was wrong. He was confused and the last thing he needed was James breathing down his neck.  
  
All of a sudden, Sirius felt James tackle him to the ground. His head hit the floor with a crack and a terrible pain shot through him. His forehead became warm and sticky and he tasted blood in his mouth. He was so shocked that he couldn't move. James had never hit him full out before and he was frightened in a way.  
  
James pulled him over and went to punch him in the face. Sirius's head was spinning. All he could do was close his eyes and wait for the blow.   
  
It never came.   
  
Sirius opened his eyes hesistantly and peered up at James, who was looking at him in horror. His eyes were wide with shock and there was shame written all over his face.  
  
''Fucking hell . . .''he whispered, more to himself than Sirius. James moved back from Sirius sharply, his breathing rapid.  
  
Sirius couldn't move much. He'd hit his head pretty hard. He stared up at James with an expression of betrayal, shock and bruising pain. Against his will, his eyes filled with shocked tears.  
  
''Sirius, I . . . I'm so sorry . . . I didn't mean to. . . Sirius, please . . .'' James looked pain beyond belief. He was visibly disgusted at himself.  
  
Sirius got shakily to his feet and looked at James with an expression he couldn't read. His eyes glowed with such intensity that it was unbearable. They glowed with tears. Sirius took a deep, shaky breath.  
  
''James . . .''he said slowly. ''I think . . .''  
  
''Sirius, please, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. I really didn't. If . . . if you like Lily so much, then stay with her. Look man, I didn't mean to hit you. I didn't know what I was doing, it was a mistake! I'm so sorry.'' James looked like he was going to cry.  
  
Sirius held up a hand to silence James. He sighed. ''I can see you're sorry,''he said. ''And I'm going to forgive you. But you have to understand, James. I never wanted to hurt you about Lily. And I don't want to hurt Lily the way you did. You're my best mate, and if I hurt you I'd only feel worse.''  
  
James stared at his feet. He found it impossible to look at Sirius's searching eyes. He felt awful, so ashamed of himself.  
  
''All this for a girl?''said Sirius, wryly.  
  
James smiled sadly. ''Yeah,''was all he could say.  
  
''I don't want to lose my best friend, James,''said Sirius, and there was a terrible sadness in his voice. ''I can't risk something I already have, for something that could be.''  
  
A strange expression came onto James's face. ''I don't understand, Sirius,''he said.  
  
Sirius stopped. What was he doing?? He'd spent months fighting for Lily and now he was going to give her up? What the hell was wrong with him??  
  
Then he realised that it wasn't him with the problem. It was Lily. She still loved James, deep down. She'd never love him that way. And James still loved her, so he said. What would be gained from standing in the way of two people who wanted eachother.  
His heart crunched painfully in his chest and he felt ill.  
  
''I think . . . ''Sirius said slowly. He stopped again. Part of him knew he was going to regret this, but another part of him knew it was right. He took a deep breath. ''I think, if you still love Lily you should go for it.'' The words tasted like poison in his mouth.  
  
He felt the corners of his eyes sting with tears. He was giving up the one thing he really love for his best friend.  
  
James's face was unreadable. ''But you love her,''he said.  
  
''But she loves you,''said Sirius. ''Who am I to stand in the way of that?'' He voice cracked briefly. ''Go and talk to her tommorrow, James. She'll forgive you for everything, because Lily's like that. She's too selfless.''  
  
He turned to walk away.  
  
''Sirius! Wait.''  
  
Sirius turned around as if it was a chore and stared at James through misty eyes.  
  
''You're too good to me, you know that?'' James said. ''And you're too good to her.''  
  
Sirius looked out of a window at the moon. He gave a deep sigh. ''I know,''he said.  
  
Then he left. He needed to be alone. He felt as if he'd just thrown jewels into the ocean.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
I won't let go  
Even if she say that it's over  
I know it'll be   
Different this time  
If you'd just stay   
  
And when we wrote this story  
How did it end?  
It was you and me for all our lives  
Come on, don't say it  
We'll try again  
And if I'd just hold you  
We could last   
  
But she stands softly  
Tears down her face  
Hitting me, oh god  
This is the end  
I'd wait here for you  
But there's nothing more now I can do  
How did you know  
How did you know  
Finally   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Well, the next chapter will probably be the last and then I'll write one extra tiny thing. Oooh I hate sad endings but it has to be done. Sorry that the song thing was so long in this chapter, but I found this song quite fitting. Thanks again for all the reviews! :-)  
Luv Lux  
xox 


	10. It's just a matter of grace

Disclaimer : I don't own anything, obviously, otherwise I would be rolling in money. I also don't own Smashing Pumpkins and they're song To Sheila.  
MER GIRL  
Chapter 10 : It's just a matter of grace  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Twilight fades through blistered avalon  
The sky's cruel torch on aching autobahn  
Into the uncertain divine  
We scream into the last divide  
You make me real  
You make me real  
Strong as I feel  
You make me real  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Sirius had let Lily go.  
  
James had explained everything to her the next day, and Lily had listened, rapt, with tears of joy in her eyes. She was back with the one thing she had truly wanted. Sirius had watched it all from a bench not too far away, his heart heavy, but strangely light aswell.  
  
(( I suppose this makes me the best friend of all time . . .)) thought Sirius miserably.  
  
He could see the expression of pure happiness in Lily's eyes. It was like before now she'd been hanging over the edge of a cliff, ready to fall, but now James had pulled her back.  
  
Sirius felt like he'd been the gravity in that situation now. Maybe he'd made her worse. He sighed and turned away, staring down at the lake from his bench. He saw the day at the lake when he'd saved Lily flash before his eyes and he felt a great weight pull him down.  
  
Lily was so happy now. It was obvious. Sirius felt sad, but not truly depressed like he'd been before. At least now he didn't have to worry about losing his best friend anymore.  
  
The rest of the term passed in a hazy, saturnine glow. Sirius remembered little about it. All he remembered was the joy in Lily's eyes and the expression of happiness on James's face. Sirius was comforted in the fact that he'd made two people who meant everything to him very happy. Deep down, he known that it was Lily and James who were meant to be together - not Lily and himself, as much as he'd wanted it to be.  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
Sirius walked out of Hogwarts, for what he imagined to be the last time ever. He turned and looked back at it for a moment, and smiled vaguely at all the memories he'd have of it. His chest swelled with pride and pain and happiness. He was leaving school. He was a man. It was time now to go out and make a name for himself in the world, no matter what kind of name it was.  
  
The world had changed. Things were dangerous now, but exciting and terrible. Sirius relished the times ahead.  
  
Someone tapped his back and Sirius turned around. Lily was standing there smiling. She looked so much better these days. She'd stopped being as thin and her face was happy and sweet and young.  
  
''Hello Sirius,''she said.  
  
Sirius beamed ''Hello Lily,''he said.  
  
Lily threw herself into Sirius's arms and he held her there for a long while. He'd missed this feeling.   
  
They let eachother go and looked at eachother. ''You're a very good friend,''said Lily softly.  
  
''I know,''said Sirius with a half-smile. He reached into his pocket and brought out a simple necklace made of silver. It sparkled in the light. At the end of the necklace was something that looked very much like a diamond. Sirius handed it to Lily.  
  
''I bought this for you years ago,''he said, a slight tone of sadness in his voice. ''And I never had the courage to give it to you then.'' He smiled. ''I want you to have it now.''  
  
Lily looked dumbstruck by the lovely thing. ''Oh . . . Sirius . . .''she exclaimed. ''I can't take this . . . I don't deserve it really-''  
  
Sirius cut her off. ''I want you to have it.'' He closed her hand around the necklace. ''Think of it as a promise. This is a promise that says that I'll look after you. Remember when I told you I would?''  
  
Lily nodded. She looked Sirius in the eyes, lost for words. Slowly she put the necklace on, and then hugged Sirius. He held her for a long time.  
  
''I'll look after you as best I can,''he said.  
  
A long moment passed.  
  
The coaches to take to students to the Hogwarts Express arrived.  
  
''You sitting with James on the way back?''asked Sirius.  
  
''Yes,''Lily nodded.  
  
Sirius grinned at her. ''I won't get in the way then,''he smirked. His face turned serious. ''I probably won't see you for a while then.''he said, sadly.  
  
Lily nodded. ''But we'll see eachother soon,''she said. She grinned. ''And that's a promise.''  
  
Sirius beamed at her. ''Good,''he said.  
  
Everything went quiet. They held eachother again.  
  
''Goodbye, Sirius Black,''said Lily.  
  
''Goodbye, Lily Evans,''said Sirius.  
  
And then she got into the first coach and was gone. Sirius watched the coach leave the school. He put his hands in his pockets. It felt like the end, even though he knew it wasn't. It was the end of they're short love affair at Hogwarts, definantely. They'd never be that way again, and that was how it felt like the end of an era.  
  
Sirius waited for the next coach on his own. There were tears in his clear eyes, but he was smiling. Right now, it was all he could do.  
  
He smiled. A single crystal tear fell from his left eye. He was glad everything had happened, but sad that it had ended.  
  
A coach pulled up. He got in. He left it all behind.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
A summer storm graces all of me  
Highway war, sing silent poetry  
I could bring you the light  
And take you home into the night  
You make me real  
Lately I just can't seem to believe  
You make me real  
Discard my friends to change the scenery  
Strong as I feel  
It meant the world to hold a bruising faith  
But now it's just a matter of grace  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
I think that's the end. Aww I hate sad endings. Poor Sirius . . . Anyway . . . thanks everyone for the reviews. :-) It means a lot.  
  
Luv Lux  
xox 


	11. Epilogue : the end is the beginning

Disclaimer : I own nothing. And I just figured that I should tag on the bit with the deaths, just to sort everything out.  
  
MER GIRL  
Epilogue : The end is the beginning . . .  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Sirius fell to his knees at the sight of the Potter's home. All the blood drained from his face and his eyes filled with tears of hopeless rage. The house . . . destroyed utterly . . . not a thing left standing . . .  
  
Under a piece of rubble he saw a single, bloodstained hand. It was James's. Sirius's mouth dropped open with horror, and he began to scrabble away at the wreakage to try and pull James out.  
  
''Please be alive . . Please . '' Sirius rambled, tears slipping down his face.  
  
He moved one final piece of debris off James. His fears were affirmed. James was dead. His eyes were open in an expression of determination mingled with terror. His body was bloody from the house collapsing.   
  
James was dead. James was dead. His best friend was dead . . . the grief was awful.  
  
Lily . . .what about Lily??  
  
Sirius started to move rubble with his wand, looking for a piece of clothing, a lock of her red hair, anything . . .  
  
Finally, he saw a long strand of fiery hair protruding from under the wreakage and his heart gave another sick leap. Maybe she was alive . . .maybe she had lived . . . maybe she had survived the house collapsing when the Dark Lord had destroyed it.  
  
Sirius pulled Lily from under the ruins and held her in his arms. He turned her over onto her back and looked at her. He felt his heart break for the second time in minutes. She was dead, just like James. Her eyes were open too, but they're expression was very different. They were filled with unshed tears, pain at losing James, the horror at knowing she was going to die, the desperation of trying to save her child.  
  
Harry . . . he was definantely dead too. He felt the world cave in. His best friends . . .his godson . .gone . .   
  
Sirius held Lily's body very tight, violant, wracking sobs overpowering him. He cried like a child. He cried until he was exhausted.   
  
Lily . . . his Lily . . . the first girl he'd ever loved was dead. He saw the necklace he'd given her round her neck. He smiled, choking on his tears. He shut her lifeless eyes with a fingertip.  
  
Sirius was shaking with rage . . . the unfairness of it all . . .the pain of losing the ones he cared about more than anything in the world. He felt sick. He wanted revenge. His wrath would be unimaginable. He gave a cry of anguish at seeing his friends bodies. They'd been so young and so happy . . . and now . . .  
  
Sirius heard a baby's squall and jumped. No, it couldn't be. There was no way Harry could have survived . . . the house was demolished. If Voldemort hadn't killed him then surely the house collapsing would have. Sirius didn't understand.  
  
The cry had come from near Lily. Sirius saw a desamated crib and crawled shakily on his hands and knees over to it. He hardly dared to believe his ears. His hopes had been dashed twice in a matter of minutes. Part of him believed that the baby's cry he heard was his grief-ravaged mind playing tricks on him. He moved a heap of dust and rubble off the crib to see Harry, kicking and crying fit to bust. His forehead was slick with blood, and a lightning-bolt shaped scar ran down the middle.   
  
Sirius gave a little gasp and lifted the wailing child out of his crib. He cradled Harry in his arms and tried to shush him. Then he realised that this poor boy had lost his parents.  
  
''You cry, Harry Potter,''he said softly. ''Cry all you want.''  
  
Sirius felt tears stream down his face again. His throat constricted painfully.  
  
James . . . his best ever friend . . . the one who had been there for him ever since they had been children . . . they'd had so much fun . . they'd been through everything together and now . . . he was dead, his body cold as ice.  
  
And Lily . . . in his heart she would always be his flower. She'd been his first love. He'd loved her all those years. Part of him loved her still, even if it had been a long time ago. Those days seemed like a million miles away now. He wept for her, for James, for Harry, for himself. Nothing would ever be the same again.  
  
Sirius decided at that very moment that he would protect Harry as best he could, in the memory of Lily and James. His grief was terrible . . . he would protect Harry better than he had Lily and James. He would destroy whoever had sold them to Voldemort. Even if it took the rest of his life, he would get revenge. For himself and for the crying child in his arms. Any sense of future normality in this baby's life had been blown away, like dust in the wind. Sirius held Harry a little closer, rage and grief and regret taking him over.  
  
Everything was rushing through Sirius's head - every memory, every moment, every inane pointless thing. But most of all he remembered Lily, how he had felt for her, and James, how he had stood by him till the end. Lily, the girl with the red hair and the green eyes that had tortured his soul as a boy. James, who had made him laugh, the best friend he could ever ask for. Tears flowed like a terrible waterfall down Sirius's young face - a face too young to take all this pain at once.  
  
Sirius would get revenge, for his Lily and for James. He would avenge they're deaths, if it was the last thing he would do.  
  
Yes . . . truly the end was just the beginning.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Well, I thought it was only fair to add the deaths. Sorry it was so short. Anyway, that's it - finito!  
Luv Lux  
xox 


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